Question 

My parents are looking around at alternate housing, and I think that it may be a waste of time. They are in their early 70s and in good health. They live in a three bedroom, paid for, medium sized home, of about 2,200 square feet. Their home is a single story and other than having a yard, it seems to be fairly low maintenance.  

There is no real reason why they need to move. I am not even certain what type of housing they think would be better for them. They look at new construction, condos, and apartments. Every time I stop over, their latest excursion is all about what new housing situation they just looked at. 

Are they wise or are they jumping the gun here? They should be traveling and living it up, not planning to sit around and play bingo. What is going on here? 

Answer 

This is a tough question. On the one hand your parents are exploring their options, which is always a wise thing to do. On the other hand, they may be thinking of forfeiting years of retirement exploration by limiting themselves. It all depends on what they are thinking and what is driving this activity.  

The good news is that your parents are letting you in on their activities and it seems that they are engaging you in the conversation. It is time for you to lean into the discussion since it seems that they are bringing it up on a regular basis. While it is not your place to tell your parents what is right for them, you can help them make the best choice for themselves. 

Start with acknowledging that it is difficult to accept that the family home may be sold, and it might no longer be the place the children and grandchildren gather for special occasions. It is important to recognize everyone’s feelings and biases when it comes to letting go of a homestead. No one is ever truly ready for that to happen, and the thought of it happening can color our opinions. 

Is it time for your parents to make a move? That is really hard to say. Many older adults move to retirement communities, apartments, or condominiums. Some do it when their health declines, and others do it in an anticipatory mode. What your parents are doing is exploring their options. 

I recommend that instead of resisting the conversation about moving, you jump into the dialog. They are talking to you about it because they want your reaction and likely your thoughts on the subject, whether or not it is spoken in just that way. It is quite possible that their friends are talking about it or have sold their homes and moved. It could be a health scare that has them thinking that they should find an easier place to manage. Some couples are seeking companionship of others their age. If you avoid deeper conversation and simply reject what they are doing, you will not be an active part of the equation and may never know what is on their mind. 

Since you live close enough to stop over, I recommend that you have a bit more than a casual conversation on your next visit and maybe bring dinner. I would avoid including the children, if you have them still at home. Instead, it should be just you, or you and your spouse if that would seem appropriate. Ask your parents to tell you about everything they have looked at and what the pros and cons are about each. If they are willing to share, you might ask how they see themselves spending the next 10 years of their lives. Ask them if they would like to hear your thoughts. Do wait until they have given you all the information before you jump in with your ideas. If they are still thinking about moving, ask them if they would like you to tour with them. If they agree, make the time and join them. It will be easier to discuss if you have seen what they’ve seen. 

I suspect that your parents will appreciate an honest dialog about the choices they have and welcome your participation. It is exciting and scary for them. A calm and thoughtful adult child is a wonderful support for elderly parents as they plan their future.