Question 

Visiting mom is getting harder and harder for me. She is losing her hearing and blasts her television so loud that it is painful for me to be in the same house as her. 

Added to the sound is the temperature. She has her thermostat set to 85 degrees. Within minutes of my arrival, I begin sweating. I step outside every ten minutes or so to cool off, and mom does not even seem to notice. 

Her television is on during every waking hour, during meals, when just visiting, and even when she is in another room doing laundry or cooking. The noise is deafening. 

From the heat and noise, I consistently leave with a migraine. I try to wear light weight clothing, but I cannot go light enough no matter what I wear. My spouse will not even come along because he simply melts and has to leave. 

What is the best way to handle this situation?

Answer 

How someone lives in their own home is entirely up to them. When the noise, heat, or cold makes it uncomfortable for guests, they are risking isolation, that they are either okay with or unaware that it is causing a problem. Already your spouse will not visit your mother’s home, so the isolation thing is setting in already for your mother. 

Let’s tackle one issue at a time, starting with the heat. Older, inactive individuals, oftentimes smaller than they used to be, or with a medical condition, get chilled at temperatures that are comfortable for active average sized adults. 

Since your mother’s home is so warm that even wearing light clothing is not working, you will need to tell your mother that you are struggling with the temperature in her home. Let her know that you do understand why she wants to keep her home warm and comfortable for her. There is no need to get into an argument about this subject. 

Rather than suggesting that your mother wears a sweater, covers up with a lap blanket, or just turns down the heat, have a plan for how you will manage your comfort. Yes, those are nice compromises, though she may not be interested in them and if she does not offer them up as a solution, you have her answer. It is after all her home. Instead, let your mother know that you will need to sit near an open window when visiting with her and then do that. Do not make a big deal over managing your comfort, simply open a window a bit and stand or sit near it. If your mother balks at that or starts to demean you, simply keep your visits to a few minutes. I do realize that can be hard if the travel distance is significant. You may need to lodge anywhere but with your mother, if you have been staying at her home. 

Now for the noise level. When you cannot hear the television, the natural thing to do is to turn up the volume and that is what your mother is doing. It is either her not hearing or you being blasted at volumes that are uncomfortable for you. I am going to assume that she has hearing aids that are working, at least somewhat. Do know that there is no perfect hearing aid solution. There is also a problem with how films are being produced that is making it very difficult for people even with normal hearing to catch all of the spoken words. 

Have a conversation with your mother about the volume and ask if you can do anything to assist her with hearing her television better. Let her know that the volume is quite loud for your ears and is making you uncomfortable. Depending on your mother’s television set and what she is struggling with, there are some technical things that may be of assistance. Helping her look into a sound bar can be helpful for some at picking up voices. 

If adjustments cannot be made to your mother’s satisfaction, then simply start wearing noise canceling headphones when visiting. They can do a very nice job of buffering sound, and it is a reasonable compromise. It is not perfect, but it will let your mother know that the sound is simply too much for you. Do not let your mother bully you for wearing the headphones, if she is prone to that sort of tactic. If your visit is long, it may be the only way for you to be comfortable and headache free.

Your mother is not likely to appreciate your assertiveness at managing your comfort, but you really have no choice. Getting a migraine every time you visit is a miserable option for you, and it will limit the length and frequency of your visits, so everyone loses. 

This is a difficult situation for you, and it will be awkward to resolve. Being honest and self-protective is really your only solution. Suffering in silence is going to lead to isolation for your mother as your visits get shorter and less frequent.