Question 

I am wondering how much I should say when I accompany my mother to her doctor visits. You see mom gets around the truth by omission. She never really lies to the doctor; she simply does not answer questions completely so that what she says is just not accurate. I am sitting there in the exam room wanting to answer for her with each and every question asked. It is torture to watch the interchange. 

I do not think that mom gets the best care possible because she is not forthcoming. No one has the time to pull the truth out of her. Because I spend so much time with her, I am fully aware of her aches and pains, what she eats, when she sleeps, and pretty much everything that she does. 

What is appropriate for a daughter to say and not say during a medical appointment? Do I just let mom manage her own health care, or do I speak up and clarify mom’s responses? 

Answer 

Since you are accompanying your mother into the exam room, she either wants or needs you there. The only time an adult brings an adult child to an appointment is in one of those two instances. 

For some individuals, doctors and other medical professionals are quite intimidating. Their knowledge, unique medical language, and the patient’s fear of the unknown are powerful forces that affect even the savviest of individuals. Add to that the acknowledgment that health care professionals are extremely busy, and their time is limited. 

It is likely that your mother has a long-standing communication pattern of evasion when it comes to health care and possibly other situations. This is likely due to fear. She wants answers but is afraid of them at the same time, so she gives some information but not all. She is being protective. 

When it comes to you, I recommend that you continue to accompany your mother to her appointments. She needs an advocate to receive optimal care and if she is letting you come with her into the exam room, she is not asking you to be silent. She does not want you to embarrass her either. 

There is a way for you to be an advocate for her without being annoying and intrusive. Most important for you to remember is that your mother is the patient. The questions should be asked by her. No questions should be directed at you unless your mother defers to you or is unable to answer. Most health care professionals navigate this situation with ease. They know to ask the patient and look to you only when necessary. 

When your mother starts omitting details that are truthful, you can tactfully prompt her to finish the story, fill in the blanks, or ask her if she would like you to elaborate. That will let the doctor know that your mother may be leaving out key information. It is always a bit of a dance when you accompany someone to a medical appointment. Do remember though that you are there for a reason. Getting optimal health care is best done with an advocate. I firmly believe that to be true for everyone. Just remembering all of the instructions from a visit can be a lot for any individual, young or old. 

So, continue to go with mom to her appointments and be her advocate. She will receive the best health care possible with your support, in spite of her omissions.