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Mom Hates Me!

It is many a daughter or son that is chided by a parent for the decisions they are forced to make.

You may even hear the words uttered that you are a “bad daughter”.  These are painful moments that can make one second-guess his or her actions.

Know that when we become caregivers for our parent, at times that parent may actually verbalize that they do not like you. They are doing this out of frustration, NOT a dislike for you.

A parent that lashes out at you for a difficult decision you have to make is trying to keep things the way they are.  It is merely manifested frustration taking its form in emotional blackmail.  If your heart is pure, and you are doing right by your parent, accept the comment and make the decisions you must. We need to act in the best interest of our parent, even though it may be difficult and painful to hear their critical comments.

Try to place yourself in the position of losing the freedom to drive your car, prepare your food, or manage your finances safely.  As children, we long for the days of having independence to live as we wish.  No adult wants to feel independence slip away, and it is natural to be unhappy when you experience that loss.  Remember to be kind and empathetic.

If your mother or father expresses frustration from time to time, simply say, "I understand that it is hard for you right now."   You may wish to add, "I am doing my best to assist you, much like you did for me when I needed help." Be honest about what you feel is best, and give you parent some time, if possible, to accept the truth.  They will see by your actions that your intent is good, though it may take time. It is actually quite surprising to me how so many elderly handle the loss of independence as well as they do.

Check-in with siblings or an unbiased friend for support and validation.  It is not likely that you will all see the situation from exactly the same vantage point, though sibling support will be very helpful to you.  We all need this at times, and I do not recommend going it alone unless you must. Siblings are great "levelers," as they are quite used to telling each other what they think.  If you do not have a strong network, most health care organizations have social workers that can advise you.  

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October 2021 Grief Tools