Question 

I want to know how people do it? How do they do this caregiving thing without losing their mind in the process? 

My mom is in her 90s and we kids are trying to take care of her needs while she lives independently. There are three of us and we get along well. We split the tasks that need to be done evenly, or as best we can. 

We are all employed and have families. While near retirement, we are all still working the close of our careers. 

I have every third day to check on mom, run errands, and do whatever chores she needs. With my demanding job, my spouse, my house, and life in general, I feel like I am losing my mind. How do people balance it all without dropping the ball or becoming miserable people to everyone around them? 

Answer 

The answer is that there is no magic solution. Caregiving is exhausting for everyone that embarks on the journey of caring for someone, yet somehow, we all manage to muddle our way through it. 

Along the way we discover our capacities, our tolerances, our past, and we get to know our parents a bit more. It is one of those life-altering experiences that gives you some perspective on living, aging, and dying with grace and dignity. Trust me, in the end you will be better off having had the experience. 

Now, while you are caregiving, you need a few ways to cope with the extra workload that you have taken on. There are no simple solutions, though there are some ideas you can try or a combination of all of them: 

Renegotiate with your spouse about duties at home in the near future. You both have parents, and you will help each other get through it if you work together and support the caregiver by picking up a few of their tasks during the caregiving years. 

If you do not make a list of daily tasks, it is time to start. Keeping track of things to do right now can be challenging. Also, crossing things off that list will feel good. 

Keep in contact with your siblings on a regular basis. You are all going through the same thing, and you need the support network. Do not feel guilty about the complaining that you will do, it is normal. 

Indulge in a few new routines that provide comfort for you such as a soak in the tub, a massage, a routine date night out, etc. 

Ask your children for some help. They are likely adults now and simple meals, an errand for mom, or one of your household tasks could provide material relief for you. 

Consider paying for services that you usually do yourself. Additionally, your mother could secure some paid assistance for some tasks. 

Research organizations that provide support for the elderly that might be able to assist. 

Drop one or two non-essential tasks or activities that you do for the time being. 

Reduce shopping time by purchasing from your favorite stores online with delivery to your door. 

These are some ideas to give you relief while you take care of your mother during this important time of your life. In your call with siblings, seek out their remedies for the added workload. Everyone will have creative solutions to the extra time demand. 

Each of us figures out how to make it work, this caregiving our parents. It is not easy as you now know. Do recognize that it is not forever and that in the process you will have laughter, sadness, frustration, and joy. The good news is that I have never come across anyone that regrets the time they spent being a caregiver for their parent.