Question

I think that my father does way too much physical work for someone his age. At 80 years, he is doing things that I am not sure he should. Dad mows an acre of grass with a push mower, gets on ladders to paint, changes the oil in his truck, rides his motorcycle on the expressway without a helmet, and much more. The other day I stopped over and found him on a ladder getting something from his roof. 

I keep expecting to find him lying on the ground with a broken hip or worse. He will not slow down though we all think that he should. It feels a little like my dad is a teenager again. 

What is normal to expect an 80-year-old man to be doing? I want to know if I should just be quiet or if I should step in and ask him to slow it down a bit. 

Answer 

I am going to guess that you were not around when your dad was a teenager. Who knows, maybe he missed an opportunity in his early years that he is making up for now. 

In all seriousness, your father is simply living every moment of his later life. You have to give him credit for being out there doing things and being active. The flip side is sitting around watching television all day and acting his age, while he gets increasingly out of shape and less able. 

Sometimes as children we start thinking that we can be the voice of reason in how our parents live. We want to influence where they live, when they sell their home, what they eat, how they spend their money, and more. Sometimes we take on this role before they are ready for us to. 

What happens is that we turn into adults with families, homes, jobs, and responsibilities. We have become used to giving advice and running our families. It naturally spills over to our parents. They are aging and a bit less agile than in the past; we care about them and to some extent, feel responsible for them. We then step in and feel the need to start directing them. 

Here is the truth. Your father is a grown-up and parenting aging parents is an art. As tempting as it is, we cannot just start telling them what to do. He knows that there are risks to his behavior and he clearly is willing to take them. Unless he is showing signs of dementia, you cannot really step in. 

Aging might be a bit different for your father than some others. Without significant mobility or cognitive issues, many seniors are living longer, healthier, lives. They will not cease their past activities until they cannot physically do them, which may be long after others have stopped doing what they see as just actively living. Your father is likely in that group. 

My recommendation is that you ask him to keep his cell phone in his pocket at all times, particularly when he is engaging in one of his risker activities. At least that way he can call you if he falls. There are also small watch-like devices that can call you if he falls, not requiring him to do anything. You could ask your father to ease your anxiety by adopting one or both of those options. 

I would avoid simply telling him that you want him to stop any activity that he seems to want to do. He will stop the activity when it becomes too much for him to do. Do let him know that you will help him if he feels he needs help. Of course, you will have to follow through on a timely basis. Another suggestion for you is to offer, on predetermined dates, your assistance with any project he would like your help with. If he knows you will be there on a specific date, he may wait with some of the ladder work. Sometimes older adults take on riskier activities because there is no one around to help and they do not want to add burden to their children. 

Do think through any comments or concerns you wish to voice with your father about his activities before simply blurting them out. If your father is not yet leaning on you for assistance in any way, be careful about feeling that you can or should begin directing his business. Remember, 80 years does not look the same on everyone.