Question 

My brother lost his job at 60 years of age and now wants to move in with my mother and “care for her." 

I think he wants to mooch off my mother because he does not have an income and he was a lousy saver. He has never been the caregiver in the family. In fact, he never did anything to assist in supporting mom’s needs. Now suddenly he claims that he will care for mom, I think in exchange for living there. 

In the past he has asked mom for money several times and she has given it to him. I see this happening again. 

Mom is in her 90s now and not too sharp anymore. I do not believe she has the wherewithal to say no. Unfortunately, mom still has signing authority of her accounts with me a secondary. I pay all of her bills on her behalf. 

What do families do in a situation like this?  

Answer 

Your situation is more common than you think. Children who are not doing well tend to look to parents for support and it appears that your brother is taking that path. I believe your suspicions are valid. 

Saying anything is likely to create conflict in the family. Saying nothing could deplete your mother’s assets or be a savings if your brother provides care that otherwise would be paid for. 
I do not see a way to determine intent or get resolution without addressing the situation with the family as a whole before your brother moves in. 

Your starting point would be your mother. Secure her permission to call a family meeting to include your mother and her children. Call it a future planning meeting, to take the focus off your brother. Next set a meeting date and arrange for online video conferencing for those out of town. Collect financial information for your mother that can be shared. If she has a financial planner, get his/her input in advance. I recommend a written agenda for the meeting to keep it impersonal. Include, finances, care costs, expenses, and projections. Add a line item to discuss your brother moving in, which includes costs and benefits. 

When everyone knows what is going on and what the plan is, there is comfort for everyone. Fairness and equity are what we all desire. The best way to get that is with open communication. It is not easy, but it is the only way to prevent resentment and misunderstanding. When one child approaches a parent alone, the elderly parent may not be strong enough to speak their mind; that is why everyone should be present for a planning session. 

This will be challenging but best for all. I wish you success in future planning.