Question 

My mother does quite a bit of complaining about how she feels. It is the same thing every time I see her. At 75, she seems to have more than her share of issues, but I am hearing about them all the time. 

Mom has arthritis, COPD, obesity, high blood pressure, heart disease, and a host of other medical issues. They are real health problems, but it is so difficult to hear about them constantly.  

I feel bad that I am losing patience with mom. I am wondering how daughters handle a parent that complains constantly. Is there a technique I can use to make my visits easier? 

Answer 

It is not unusual for a 75-year-old to have health issues. It is normal to a certain extent for someone in discomfort to talk about it. Yes, there are those individuals that suffer in silence; who have all the same issues but do not talk about it. They are in the minority. 

You may not know this, but most conversations among the elderly include at least some sharing about their latest tests, pains, and a play by play of their last surgery. Their medical issues are important to them. They have experienced and are experiencing some life-altering situations. They are worried about what the future holds for them, and they have a need to talk about it. Just think about the last time you spoke with a new mother. You likely got a play-by-play of her labor and delivery. It was far more than you needed to know or hear. It was a major life event, and she was processing what she experienced. Sharing our experience is how most humans do that. 

So, your mother is simply telling you about what is on her mind. She is hurting, worried, and replying to what is going on in her life. She may also have little else to talk about. With as many medical issues that she has, she likely lives a good portion of her life now at medical appointments.  

When you spend time with your mother, listen with interest for a while. Ask her if she needs any assistance from you with her medical issues. Ask your mother if she is worried about her health. Have that conversation wherever it goes, then move on to other topics by changing the subject. If she circles back to her health concerns, either stop engaging in the conversation or remind your mother that she already covered that topic.  

Another more direct strategy would be to let your mother know early in the visit that you are willing to share medical stories and possible solutions for a specific period, say 15 or 30 minutes. After that the conversation needs to be grandchildren, flowers, food, television shows, or whatever else goes on in life that the two of you can share. Bring things to ask her or to talk about. This sets the stage for how your visit will go. It also gives your mother a willing ear, but for a limited time.  

I realize that some people are difficult to redirect. You may even need to interrupt to establish your limits. If you are consistent, your mother will receive the message. It is like parenting in reverse. You can do it, though it will take a bit of courage. Be kind and listen first. Then move on to other topics.  

I wish you success in moderating this pattern.