Question 

My 80-year-old mother has breast cancer and she wants to keep it a secret, from everyone. I am her only daughter, and she wants me to keep her cancer story from my four brothers, her sons. Her logic is that breast cancer is “women’s business.” I think she is nuts. 

So, now I have to take her to all her appointments, support her on the bad days, and do my absolute best to keep from slipping the news. It is not going to be easy, with scans, biopsy, time away, and possible surgery. How on earth does anyone hold it together? 

I do not think Mom is being fair to me. This is way too much to hold in. It’s not just all of the appointments; it is doing it without the support of my brothers. I need to talk to them. I cannot hold this in. It’s serious and Mom could die from this.  

I don’t want to be difficult here, but I need some support. I sort of see why Mom wants to keep the circle small, but not including her sons is crazy. What do I do in this situation? 

Answer 

Your mother is embarking on a journey right now, and she is likely frightened and unsure of what to do. When someone is first diagnosed with cancer, there is a period of adjustment. It takes a bit of time to get through the phases of diagnosis and treatment options. From what you said, she is in the early phase of her cancer journey, and she needs some time to let her reality be absorbed. 

It is likely that your mother has still not accepted her cancer diagnosis completely. Since it is still early, she may not be certain that her diagnosis is real. A small part of her may be hoping that she will get different news. It may not seem realistic to you, but she is living in a different reality now.  

Your mother may need a few weeks or months to accept her diagnosis. It is okay to give her that time before she tells your brothers. Once she has a definitive diagnosis and an accepted treatment plan, it will be time to share.  

Your mother must know that one in eight women get breast cancer. It is not something that is unusual, and her adult sons can handle it. It can also be serious, and she needs the support of all her children, not just one. While you have been able to hold her confidence, going forward you will need to include your brothers.  

Let your mother know that you are unable to go through surgery or treatment without the support of your brothers, her sons. Tell your mother that once she has a plan, it will be time to tell them. Do not do it in a threatening way, just be matter of fact. Offer to be with her or make the call for her. If she is not comfortable telling them, let her know that you will tell your brothers for her. If that is her wish, go ahead and include your brothers.  

This process is going to have difficult moments for all of you. Don’t expect every day to play out as you expect. Some days will be harder than others. There can also be moments of closeness never before experienced.