Question 

My mother is getting to the point where she is going to need some help to stay in her home. I am one of four children, and I think that we all agree that mom would be the happiest at home. 

The question I have is about commitment. Right now, I live the closest, so it would be natural for me to be the one that stops over most frequently to help her with little projects. Small repairs, ladder work, pruning, windows, or that sort of thing is what she needs help with now.  

I do not mind helping my mother out. What I wonder is what am I committing to going forward? What happens when she needs bathing help, meal preparation, or more frequent assistance? Even daily help is likely at some point in the future. 

My siblings live within 60 miles, but I do see the bulk of the work falling on me. What do I do when it gets to be more than I can handle? What am I committing by helping out now, or should I just do what I can and not worry about the future? 

Answer 

It is admirable that you have just stepped in to help your mother with projects around the house. I am certain that she is grateful for the assistance. It is most definitely making it easier for her to stay in her home and live comfortably. 

My recommendation is that you continue to do what you are doing, though begin to engage your siblings. The reason that it is important to spread the workload is because in the future the needs will grow, as you have identified. If you simply continue to do everything that needs to be done, you will reach the point of overload. 

It is very hard to work, manage your own household, and provide all of the care for an elderly parent. You are blessed with siblings, so it is wise to spread the work out. It will not be evenly distributed; it never is. What you can do though is to get everyone involved. 

When the next need arises, say it is grocery shopping: assign that to one of your siblings rather than just adding it to your tasks. If distance is a factor, have a sibling take over a couple hours of projects each week at mom’s house and you switch to shopping. Do your best not to take on everything. It can sneak up on you gradually, so spread out the work early on. 

Talk with your siblings in anticipation of increasing need for assistance. Let them know of your desire to help your mother and your need for them to help also.  

It is not easy to anticipate when a new level of care will be needed, nor is helping now a long-term commitment. Be honest with your mother about what you can do and what your siblings are able to do. Find out what your mother’s thoughts are about paid assistance in the home versus an assisted living situation. Talk to her about costs and wishes. Care needs and your situation can and will change over time and that is okay.  

Do not lock yourself into promises of keeping her in her home until she dies, unless she has the financial resources to do that, no matter the cost. You may or may not be able to care for her round-the-clock, and paid help may be required. You cannot promise a future that you cannot predict, so do not lock yourself in to more than the present. This journey will have twists and turns; it always does. Simply do your best, engage the family, and work as a team.